Leave it to the women...

You see it everywhere...  Advertisements created by men for women... How do you know it was created by men?  Well, for instance... If I see spanx, I want to see them on a woman with a gut, you know, so that I can really tell how well they work.  Not on Kate Moss.  If I, a woman see a bra, I want to see that woman jumping up and down, wearing a sweater over it, bending over and maybe even running a marathon, not sprawled over a bed giving me bedroom eyes...  AND!  My personal favorite, if I was interested in buying a breast pump... Well... You be the judge :)

Meet Ms. I can pump my boobs for breastmilk all while sitting at my desk with my archaic computer...  This was definitely created by a man... 

Exhibit B: This ad says, "Look at me!  I can read!  Sit in front of a JCPenny backdrop AND pump milk out of my boobs at the same time!"

And, last but not least...  This one kinda freaks me out because she's looking at the breast pump in an erotic manner!  BARF! 

Case in point... Sometimes it is just best when things are left for a woman...

I'm becoming my mother!

There comes a moment in every woman's life that she thinks, "Oh shit! I'm becoming my mother!".  My moment happened today...  I woke up, set the microwave, I mean, made the girls their breakfast and picked up my copy of Martha Stewart Living for Valentine's Day ideas... There I was in my Mickey Mouse holiday robe, my hair a hot mess and microwaving my children's breakfast...  I cannot call this an "ah-hah" moment but I definitely had to take a moment to digest the fact that I was becoming the woman that I made fun of throughout all my life... The hair... The fanny pack...  The Martha Stewart living subscription!  Then I realized that it was the same woman that stopped her life to be my "stage mom" when I was a dancer, the same woman that didn't have time to fix her hair because she was too busy fixing mine, the same woman who held my dance bag and book bag and didn't have hands for a handbag so she wore a fanny pack and the same woman who made me the person I am today...  So...  If that's the case, I will not carry a fanny pack but I am okay with the fact that I am becoming my mother. :)

A Romantic Evening for two... Or one...

My husband and I have always been old souls.  Even when we were dating we found a lot more joy in making it a blockbuster night with his parents or my grandmother.  The other evening, my husband brought out some strawberries and chocolate fondue for us to share a "romantic evening".  I didn't know what he was thinking but after an entire day at my stay at home mom job, strawberries and fondue were the last thing on my mind, if you know what I mean.  I immediately gave him the, "don't even think about it look" and he gave me a deer in headlights look.  Then I said, "don't even think about it"...  Then... I felt like an idiot..  My husband looked at me and said, "Obviously, I'm not the one thinking about it...  You're allergic to strawberries and can't have chocolate or champagne because of your reflux.  Did you think I forgot?  This is for me babe."  Oops!  My bad...  Lesson learned...  Never jump to conclusions because sometimes strawberries and chocolate take on a whole other meaning... 

I won! I won!

I won!!  I entered a contest at one of my favorite party websites, www.celebrateexpress.com and I won!!  I recently celebrated Sophia's birthday party and of course, she requested that everything be exquisite (that's a fancy word for fancy).  Thanks to my friend Julie, or Princess Julie as Sophia calls her who bought her a Fancy Nancy book for her first birthday, my home has been nothing but fancy ever since. 
I was not planning on celebrating Sophia's soiree (that's a fancy word for party) but when a child comes up to you with her "guest list" you kind of have to make it work :).   I decided to just invite her aunts and uncles and cousins... My husband and I both have four siblings, so as you may imagine, that's good enough!  With the help of Celebrate Express, the end result was tres magnifique, naturally...  

Teen Pregnancy...

I am a VERY modest person... So modest that even at my thinnest, I would not wear a bathing suit or bikini because I feel/felt naked!  I know... It's a problem...  My friend asked me if I undress in front of my children.  My response was, "Of course I do!  I will have the images of pregnancy and children so deeply imbedded into their little minds that they will never want to have sex!  It's the answer to teen sex and pregnancy!  It's what my mother did to me and I will do to them."  America, I will accept your gratitude in advance for I have come up with the solution to teen pregnancy being at an all time high...  YOU'RE WELCOME!

*Disclaimer: that is NOT my stomach! :)

So sad... So true..

I went out on a dinner with my old colleagues and there happened to be a happy hour going on that we had NO idea of prior to making reservations.  As you may imagine, towards the end of our dinner, the "gentlemen" leaving the restaurant were pretty well hydrated with the $5 margarita special.  On my way out of the restaurant a man grabbed my arm and naturally, I thought he was going to steal my purse BUT instead he looked at me straight in my eyes and said, "I want to ____ you"...  You can fill out the blank with your four letter word starting with an F ending with a K imagination...  I was in total shock and called him disgusting and mentioned having children, then walked away to meet my husband in the car.  I couldn't believe a man would say that to a woman!  Then, as I was repeating the story to my husband I said, "So... A guy just told me he wanted to ____ me...  I guess that means you have a pretty hot wife and that officially makes me a Milf..."  It is very sad that at the end of the day, this disgusting man did something positive for my double stomach, cesearean section & stretchmark baring stomach self esteem but what mother out there doesn't one to one day hold the honor of a Milf?  All I can say is, Mission Accomplished ;)

Bedtime Story

The girls picked out "Polar Bear" by Bill Martin JR for their bedtime story tonight.  Can I just say that I felt like a total jack-ass reading this book?  How does a hippopautamus snort, is it close to a pig snort? AND on that note how the hell does a flamingo flute?  Well, at least Bill Martin has got this mama searching these sounds on youtube...  I don't want my girls to be the only two idiots in pre-school who don't know how to yelp like a peacock!